The Great Alaskan Adventure
by Gabs
Summary: Irina escapes the CIA. Jack finds her, while Sydney and Vaughn also search for her. Meanwhile, Sloane and Sark have some very eeevil plots for taking over the world... COMPLETED!
1. The Escape

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The Great Alaskan Adventure

By The Spoiler Support Group (GabsHardy, sydvaughnfan98, Chocolatequeen, SydandVaughn, I Sea, Salvation, auroraskyes37)

A/N: Susan told rin to tell Mj to tell CQ to tell C to tell Whitt to tell S&V to tell JJ to tell me to tell all of you that there are a lot of in jokes in this (including the A/N…) so if you're confuzed, just ask, and it will all be cleared up… Also, we will probably be continuing this fic later (to help keep us spoiler free, you see) and if so, we'll keep posting here.

Irina Derevko stared at the blank walls of her cell. She was getting sick of being there. Everyone thought she had an ulterior motive for turning herself in, but none of them knew what. Jack had some strange ideas about it being some master plan of manipulation. He was so silly sometimes, Irina mused. Like the time they had gone to a movie and he had purchased some Whoppers just to throw them at people below them. Irina still didn't know what movie they had seen that day. She smiled at the memory. 

She then returned to her previous line of thought. She had no master plan; she wasn't manipulating anyone. In all honesty, she just needed a place to stay for a few months. The rent had gone through the roof on her place in Russia, and she just couldn't afford it. Actually, she could have easily afforded it, if she wanted to. But in her anger, she had blown the building up when she found out about the new prices. 

There went that idea. 

So, while waiting for Sark to find her a new place, she came up with a plan to turn herself in to the CIA. It would save her money she would otherwise spend on a hotel- though she certainly preferred the food and service at her favorite 5 star hotel- and it afforded her the opportunity to at least attempt to reconnect with Sydney and Jack. But now, she was growing bored, and Sark was too busy with Sloane to find her the new house she wanted. Irina sighed, reminding herself to pay Sark a visit as soon as she got out. She might have to tie him down and force him to watch a Teletubbies marathon…

Just then, Irina remembered something. Earlier that day, some CIA agents had come down to do a routine cleaning of her cell. While one man and one woman worked quickly, ten others with guns stood watching Irina, who was keeping an eye on the cleaners. Apparently unnoticed by anyone else, a pink and gold Mardi Gras type beaded necklace had fallen out of the man's pocket. He didn't seem to notice as he finished his part of the cleaning and left not even two minutes after arriving. Acting as if she were stretching, in an effort not to draw any suspicion from whoever might be watching on the cameras, Irina had picked up the necklace and put it under her pillow.

Now, she looked towards her cot. She had her way out.

A few minutes later, Irina Derevko was once again walking down the street, leaving behind the pillow and beads she had used to bust out. She laughed to herself as she thought of the idiocy of the CIA. She ducked her head as she noticed a few people looking at her. Then, she faded into the crowd. What she didn't notice was a pair of brown eyes tracking her disappearance…  
**************************************

Sydney decided it was time to go visit her mom again since it had been awhile and she wasn't sure if Irina knew she had decided to stay with the CIA. She had to convince her that it really had nothing to do with her mother, and everything to do with the evil Sloane. As she neared the cell where Irina was she noticed all sorts of abnormal activity outside. When she finally made it all the way to the cell, she found that it no longer held her mother but rather a bunch of agents looking around for something. Sydney wondered if perhaps she had miscalculated the time and that her mother was up on the roof utilizing her 15 minutes outside. But by the look on the agent's faces she could tell something was wrong. 

She pulled aside one of the agents and asked quietly, "Where is Irina Derevko?" The agent looked guiltily at her.

"She escaped Agent Bristow. We're not really sure how but she's gone."

Sydney left in a state of shock. She couldn't believe her mother had gotten out.   



	2. The Evil Plot Unfurls

At the JTF:  


"What the hell do you mean Derevko's gone?"

"Well, uh, sir- Assistant Director Kendall, we um, really don't know..."

"When I hired you, I thought I had hired a qualified prison guard, now what am I supposed to think? That the CIA is made up of a bunch of screwballs who just don't notice when a prisoner, a dangerous terrorist, goes strolling by them out their own front door!?"

"She's not unattractive either."

"That has nothing to do with-"

"I know that but… um… we... oh, hey they fixed the coffee maker! I gotta go."

"You… Agent Vaughn, I suppose you know something about this."

"Oh yeah, it turns out the thing was unplugged the whole time."

"No, not the coffee maker- Derevko!"

"Yeah, who hired those screwball guards anyway?"

"I… where's Agent Bristow? Go find me Sydney."

"Hey Kendall, Vaughn said you needed me."

Yes, I do... how'd he do that so quickly? We've just been informed your mother, Irina Derevko, has broken out of CIA custody. Your plane is leaving in an hour."

"Plane, what? Where are you sending me? And why?"

"Well, we don't know for sure yet, but I figured we should send you out to find her. Besides you're the only one we ever send on missions, and I guess you can take Vaughn if you'd like."

"So do you even know where she is?"

"Not a clue, go talk to Marshall. Maybe he can figure something out."   


A few moments later, Sydney was at Marshall's desk. He smiled up at her nervously.

"Uh, hi Sydney. Whatcha need?" She shrugged and glanced back at Kendall, who was now busy lecturing everyone on why he should be the first to drink from the newly fixed coffee maker.

"I have no clue what I need, Marshall. Think you can help?" He blinked at her.

"Uh… sure?" Sydney smiled slightly, not sure if that was a question or an answer. 

"Thanks Marshall. Have it ready for me in an hour." She nodded to him and walked off as he looked even more confused. Vaughn suddenly appeared at her side, looking worried.

"Syd, we found out what really happened with the coffee maker." She gave him a look. 

"I thought it was just unplugged…"

"That's true. But it's not the what, it's how that worries me," Vaughn stated, looking deep into her eyes.

"Uh… ok. So, how?"

"The coffee maker was unplugged by Sloane." Sydney's eyes widened.

"How is that possible?"

"Well, he didn't do it directly. But he hacked into our servers and screwed around with the wiring, which caused the coffee maker to come unplugged." Sydney shook her head, looking shocked. 

"I can't believe he has the technology to unplug our coffee pot without even coming near it." Vaughn nodded, looking even more worried.

"With that kind of tech at his disposal, who knows what else he might do? I mean, he could quite possibly hack into the White House and unplug the nightlight!" They took a moment to ponder the other possibilities before Sydney remembered that the plane would be ready soon.

"Come on, Vaughn! We're going to…" she paused to consider, and her eyes lit up as she came up with their destination. "Alaska!" 

"What? Syd… Alaska? Why?" She gave him a look.

"Because I said so."

"Ok… is there any actual reason behind this?"

"Vaughn, it's the only thing that makes sense," she said, her voice full of emotion and her dark eyes pleading with him to see the truth of her statement.

"Oh, right. Obviously. Silly me," he mumbled, rolling his eyes at Syd, who didn't notice. She grabbed his arm. 

"Let's go!" She skipped off in the general direction of the plane, Vaughn in tow. Marshall stared after her, relieved that she seemed to have forgotten to come by and pick up the essential items for her trip. Kendall also watched, making a mental note to lecture her later on why skipping was against protocol. Dixon stared after her because it was one of the things he was best at. And everyone else stared after her because she was obviously the only agent who could pull off this mission- or any other, for that matter. Everyone there knew that if anyone else attempted a mission without a Bristow, they would fail miserably and probably end up dead.

Vaughn, meanwhile, had been forced to skip as well, in order to keep up with Sydney. It was only a few minutes later, when they were in the air on the way to Alaska, that Vaughn realized they had no equipment. Sydney didn't even have any outrageous wigs or costumes. Vaughn sighed; there was no way this mission could go right. And when they got back, they would probably discover that Sloane had unplugged all of the candy vending machines as well. It was always Sloane's fault.  
*********

Sloane sat at his computer, laughing maniacally. After successfully unplugging all the coffee machines, he was now setting to work on vending machines, and desk lamps. Nothing like working in the dark to teach those boys at the CIA that they couldn't steal his Bristows!

Sark, meanwhile, sat across the room, watching Sloane. Sark had figured out how to use the CIA's own circuitry to unplug any and all of their appliances. Sloane was now putting this knowledge to use in numerous evil and insidious ways that were also none too pleasant. But as Sark watched, he couldn't help but wonder why Sloane was wasting his time with the small things.

Sure, the coffee maker and vending machines being out of order would cause utter and complete chaos at the CIA. But Sark couldn't understand why Sloane didn't go after the things that would really screw them up: the pencil sharpeners. Or at least the computers, so they couldn't keep hanging out at message boards. 

With those questions in mind, Sark turned around to continue working on what Sloane had assigned him: methodically removing the sporks from all Taco Bells in California. After he was done there, he would turn to Colorado, then Texas, and continue sweeping the nation until America was left completely sporkless!  
It was a truly vicious plan.  
************************************


	3. Alaska?

Jack decided to go visit Irina just because he wanted to. He wouldn't have admitted such a thing to anyone else; if anyone had asked he would have said he was going to catch her up on the situation with Sloane and Sydney's continued involvement with the CIA. Walking down the hall towards her cell he had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something wasn't right. 

He finally reached her cell to see only the remaining string of Mardi Gras beads and the knocked-out guards and open cell door. "How could this have happened?" he asked himself. "I have to find her."

He left knowing that someone would soon notice Irina's disappearance. He wanted to see if he could pick up her trail and find her on his own. He never would have admitted it out loud but he was almost happy she had escaped. It would prove to be quite the adventure to find her… just what he needed.

By chance, Jack needed to do some laundry before he went on his search for Irina. He had to go to the Laundromat as it were because his washer and dryer were just not working for him that day, pure coincidence I'm sure. 

Anyway, he was feeling a little sentimental that day at the Sporkifying Laundromatbecause when Laura and Jack had first been married and bought their house they couldn't afford to buy a washer and dryer so they always went to the same Laundromat every week to do the laundry together.  
Anyway, so he entered the Laundromat with a funny feeling in his gut. It was almost as if he could feel her presence there. Could she possibly be hiding there? Was she feeling the same sentimental feelings he was? All of a sudden the song "Till There Was You" from The Music Man popped into his head as he saw the lovely torso of his wife's back…

Jack approached slowly, not entirely sure that it was Irina he was looking at. He had seen her escape from CIA custody, but she had lost him in the crowd. It was pure luck that they had both come to the same laundromat. As he came closer, he became certain that it was indeed Irina. She appeared to be looking at a map of the United States. Something else became immediately apparent: she was holding it upside down. After a moment, she also seemed to realize this, as she hastily flipped it over. Jack noticed that she was focusing on Alaska. Suddenly, her back stiffened as she felt his overwhelming presence. She slowly folded the map and turned to face him.

  
"Jack."

  
"Irina."

  
"Jack."

  
"Irina." 

  
"Jack."

  
"Irina."

"Ok, stop! What are you doing here?" Irina questioned.

"What am I doing here? I'm not the one who's supposed to be in CIA custody, locked up tighter than… well, tighter than something!"

"Jack Bristow, you infuriate me sometimes!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, Irina Derevko, you infuriate me even more!" She gasped.

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Excuse me! I have customers who would like to do their laundry in peace! Will you please keep it down?" the owner demanded.

"Sorry," Jack and Irina mumbled in unison. The owner gave them one last look before disappearing into his office. They looked at each other for a few moments before Jack sat down. Irina followed suit, idly playing with her earrings before pulling her map back out and continuing to examine Alaska.

"There are a lot of meese in Alaska," Jack said offhandedly. Irina looked at him.

"Don't you mean moose?" He shook his head. 

"No, I mean meese." Irina rolled her eyes, deciding not to argue. She knew that when people got it into their heads that it should be 'meese' rather than 'moose,' it was very difficult to convince them otherwise. She continued to look at her map, deciding where she should go to escape the CIA. She could probably go to Canada…

Suddenly, Jack jumped out of his seat and climbed atop a dryer. Irina stared at him, unsure of what to expect. After a moment in which he just stared at everyone, Jack turned to look at Irina and began to sing.

  
"There were bells on the hill,  
But I never heard them ringing.  
No, I never heard them at all,  
Till there was you.  
  
There were birds in the sky,  
But I never saw them winging.  
No, I never saw them at all,  
Till there was you.  
  
And there was music,  
And there were wonderful roses  
They tell me  
In sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew.  
  
There was love all around,  
But I never heard it singing.  
No, I never heard it at all,  
Till there was you.  
  
There was love all around,  
But I never heard it singing.  
No, I never heard it at all,  
Till there was you." 

For a long moment, Irina was silent. Then, she jumped out of her seat and stared up at Jack.

"Jack, run away to Alaska with me!"


	4. One HighPowered Laundromatmobile

Hehe, thanks for the reviews guys! The spoiler support group appreciates it!

"Jack, run away to Alaska with me!" Jack frowned.

"Alaska?"

"Yes! We'll see those moose you mentioned, and no one will ever think to look for us there!" Jack nodded thoughtfully.

"Let's go see the meese! We can get an igloo and sit there and just watch meese all day!" Irina smacked her forehead.

"Let's go, Jack. We can talk about animals on the way…" Hand in hand, they walked out, with Jack excitedly rambling on about 'meese' while Irina rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, the meese conversation died down, and they stopped walking. Irina stole a quick glance at Jack—he was deep in thought, and obviously troubled. It was his usual look.

"Ah, Jack? Is something bothering you?" she asked, unsure if there was really something wrong or if he'd just realized that it really is moose and not meese. His gaze met hers, his eyes filled with uncertainty. 

"Are there any sporks in Alaska? I'm not sure I can go if there aren't."

"Jack Bristow!! I cannot believe this!!"

"What??" he asked defensively. "You know I've only used sporks ever since that… incident with the fork!!"

Irina cringed. She didn't want to remember the fork incident. There were just too many bad memories that were bound to resurface if she let her self think about that.

"I'm sure they have sporks in Alaska, Jack."

"Then I guess I have no choice but to go with you. But Irina, how do we get there?"

"You see Jack, these washing machines all use the same amount of laundry detergent. Now if you replace two thirds of the detergent with this," Irina stated, holding up a bottle of super- high-strength Mr. Clean, "you have yourself one high-powered laundromatmobille."

"Are you sure this will work?" 

"Yes, of course it will work. I've spent three months on a steel mattress. It will work." Jack wasn't sure how the mattress had anything to do with getting to Alaska, but Irina was usually right.

"And you're absolutely positively sure they have sporks there?" 

Before he knew it, Jack was helping Irina hack into the laundromat's main server.

Irina had already convinced the manager on duty that it was a new safety regulation and she was sent by the Board of Health to safe-tize their system.

__

Teenage boys are so gullible, she thought to herself as she entered the final codes allowing her to gain unrestricted access into the central soap and cleaning solution regulation database.

"We're done," Irina proclaimed. "Get in."

"Get in? Where?" Jack really was hoping she didn't want him to climb into the washer.

"Where do you think Jack? Just climb in, there's plenty of room in here." Jack stood there staring at Irina who was motioning for him to climb into the same washer she had already squeezed herself into.

Jack turned and looked out the large front window as he heard the screeching of breaks. Kendall jumped out of his car and stomped into the Laundromat.

"Good morning Jack."

"Kendall, what brings you here?"

"That's none of your business but when I find who has been messing with the coffee maker... oooh boy, they're gonna get it." Jack nodded not quite knowing what he was talking about until he glanced down at the large stain on Kendall's shirt.

"And what, may I ask, are you doing here Jack?"

"Um, I'm just doing some laundry. See, look it's already done!" Jack said nervously as he climbed into the washing machine-turned-laundromatmobile and slammed the door behind him.

  
"Let's get out of here!" he shouted.

"Jeez, Jack you really don't need to yell. I'm sitting about two inches from your face."

Well, this should make for one interesting ride, thought Jack, who was trying his hardest not to grin.

Kendall, on the other hand was just downright confused. Did he really just witness Jack Bristow climb into a washing machine, and how the heck did it start flying?  
Kendall made a note of remembering to lecture Jack on how that might blow his cover.

A little while later, Jack and Irina's laundromatmobile was somewhere over Canada. Or maybe Oregon. Or perhaps even Washington. Either way, it was somewhere, and they were certainly on their way to Alaska… or so they hoped.

"Just how fast can this thing go?" Jack asked. Irina shifted slightly.

"Very," she said quickly.

"Can you be a bit more precise?"

"Ok… it can really go very fast."

"A number, Irina. How many miles per hour can it go?"

"Well… more than 5, I'm sure…" Jack looked at her curiously.

"You don't know!"

"What? Jack, don't be absurd! Of course I know! I just told you, it goes faster than 5 miles per hour!"

"True, but you can't give me an exact speed."

"Yes I can. I simply choose not to." Jack rolled his eyes at the statement.

"Sure Irina."

"Well, it's true!!" Irina whined. Jack blinked in surprise.

"Irina… I've never heard you make that noise before." Suddenly, Irina's whole demeanor changed as she wiggled her eyebrows.

"There are plenty of other noises you HAVE heard me make…" Jack raised one eyebrow calmly but suggestively.

"Well, that's certainly true… are there any other noises I have yet to hear?"

"Well, there's only one way to find out…" Irina purred, very glad that the laundromatmobile had an auto option…


	5. The Plan

__

Meanwhile…

"I hate it when they do that," complained Vaughn.

"Do what?" asked Sydney. She was thumbing through the latest issue of Sky Travel Fashions. "Shoot, I knew I should have been wearing go go boots and a leather jacket with fringe for this trip."

"You know, when they check your lap belts. I hate that. It's like I'm five... Go go boots? Who wears those?"

"It's the latest in Sky Fashion. I think they check the belts to make sure that… umm… okay, I have no idea why they do that. Oooooh look!" Syd giggled excitedly. "You can get purses to match."

"Okay Syd, we need to focus here. We need a plan."

"A plan? You mean something like this?" While closely examining a layout of rainwear she rushes forward with The Plan…

"We're landing in Anchorage and then hopping a charter to the Bering Straight. Once we get there, we're dressing like Eskimos and sitting in an igloo. Our contact will contact us with some fish. Once we get the fish, then we cut a hole through the ice, put on our wetsuits and swim under the ice until we reach a frigate. We board the ship, which is really a lab in disguise. Handing over the fish, they'll trade us for a computer chip. Once we get the chip, we get on a chopper and take a helicopter off the boat, back onto land where we take one of those huge campers, posing as tourists, and leave the state. We have to bypass LA because the chip needs to be delivered to Albuquerque. And there's this great spa we can stop at. I really need to get to the spa. Then we go home. Easy as pie. Now, do you think these leggings would make me look fat?"

"Wow. There is just nothing I can say about all of this to show the depth of my… umm… awe. Is this even possible? Where are we going to get the equipment?"

"Oh, no problem," Syd reaches up and presses the call button. A flight attendant comes her way, the fringe on her leather jacket swinging a bit as she bends toward Sydney. 

"Yes dear, is there something I can get for you? A drink maybe? Another lap belt check?" she glances toward Vaughn.

"No thanks, what my friend here really wants is a tour of the cockpit—you know, he wants those cute plastic wings." 

"Sure, no problem. Come with me honey." Vaughn, looking petrified at being called "honey" by a woman with go go boots and fringe, follows anyway. In ten minutes, he comes staggering back to their seats with 2 suitcases full of supplies. "Now I know why the rest of us never plan missions."

Just then, Syd's cell phone rang. Vaughn looked surprised.

"Wow, I didn't know that would work up here."

"Of course it does silly. I don't recognize the caller ID…" she said, unsure of whether or not to answer it.

"Let me see," Vaughn said, taking a look. "Mr. Clean? I don't get it." Syd shrugged and decided to answer.

"Hello?"

"Agent Bristow?"

"Uh… yeah…"

"Where the hell are you? And Vaughn? And why did your father just climb into a washing machine, and just how in the hell did it fly away?" Sydney blinked.

"Kendall?" Vaughn looked surprised.

"Yes, this is me. Answer the questions, Agent Bristow!"

"Ok… Vaughn and I are on our way to Alaska to find my mother because it just makes sense. And… well, I have no idea what my dad is doing with the washing machine. Did you ask him?"

"No, I did not ask him! He was too busy flying away! What the hell is he, some kind of washer machine fairy?" That suddenly brought an image of Jack Bristow in a dress, with long hair and wings, into Sydney's head, and she shuddered.

"Don't ignore me, Bristow! If you do, you'll suffer the consequences!" 

"Uh… what kind of consequences?"

"What? Why would you ask a thing like that?"

"Just so I can decide if I want to ignore you. If the consequences are bad, I'll answer. But if I can handle it, I'll ignore you. Got it?"

"What? Agent Bristow, if you don't answer the question… whatever it was… I'll revoke your access to your mother! And, I won't allow you to use the coffee maker… or a pencil sharpener!" Sydney made a face, and Vaughn raised his eyebrows.

"Ok, let's review. My mother is gone. I can bring my own coffee. And do I ever- EVER?- use a pencil? Or anything that's not completely lethal?" Kendall was silent for a long moment.

"Damn it Agent Bristow! I'll think of something while you and Vaughn are frolicking in the snow… when you get back, you will be punished for something!" With that, he hung up. Sydney shook her head. 


	6. Melting Igloos

Before we carry on, sporks: the combo spoon-fork that you can often find at fast food restaurants, very exciting things, and the best thing ever invented… hee.

"Right. We're almost there; you ready to get off?" Sydney asked. Vaughn nodded and they prepared to land…  
  
"It's a little cold in Alaska. And why did we come when it's dark all the time?" Vaughn complained.  
  
"I know, it's so inconvenient. Why didn't my mother wait until the summer to escape?" Sydney replied.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Vaughn asked.  
  
"Just about, the igloo is right over there," Sydney said pointing to a small, barely visible, white hut.  
  
Once they were inside, Vaughn started looking through their gear. It was amazing how much stuff women pack, no matter where or why they are going. What was Sydney going to do with a gold spork?  
  
"I thought an igloo would have more insulation than this," Sydney said breaking Vaughn from his thoughts. "It's more cold in here than it is outside."  
  
"Do you have the Eskimo disguises? They would be warmer."  
  
"No, our contact has them."  
  
"I thought our contact had the fish?"  
  
"He has both the fish and disguises," Sydney answered.  
  
"Well, I'm not sure how we are going to keep warm then."  
  
"I have a sleeping bag," Sydney suggested. She pulled out a one-person black sleeping bag.  
  
"Just one?" Vaughn asked, looking at how small the bag was.  
  
"Yeah, it's a family treasure. My father gave it to me. It's been in the Bristow family for years. It is a kind of small. I guess we'll just have to cuddle," Sydney winked.  
  
"Well, if you insist."  
  
Both agents climbed inside, 'forced' to put their arms around each other to have any comfort at all.  
  
"What do we do while we're waiting for our contact?" Vaughn asked, hoping the contact never showed up, and liking Alaska more and more.  
  
"I'm open to suggestions." With that, Vaughn kissed Sydney passionately. The kiss extended for several minutes; neither one feeling cold anymore and both oblivious to anything happening around them.  
  
"Oh, seriously, am I going to have to try to break you two up again?" Both agents looked up, seeing Weiss standing over them. They also noticed they were no longer in the igloo.  
  
"Weiss, what are you doing here?" Vaughn asked, "And what happened to the igloo?"  
  
"Well, buddy, I'm your contact. Didn't your girlfriend tell you that?"  
  
"I meant to," Sydney said nonchalantly.  
  
"And the igloo," Weiss continued, "the igloo melted. You two were so hot and heavy you melted the igloo. Nice."  
  
Vaughn, trying to ignore Weiss' comments, asked, "Do you have the fish and disguises?"  
  
"Yes, see I was doing my job, while you two were obviously a little preoccupied to worry about national security."  
  
"We were waiting for you," Vaughn retorted.  
  
Weiss held up his hands in surrender. "Whatever excuse you have to use."  
  
"You don't have the wet suits." Sydney stated, getting back to work.  
  
"No, but I did bring you this lovely moose-driven sled," Weiss answered, motioning like Vanna White towards a sled with eight moose.  
  
"Great," Vaughn replied sarcastically, "how are we suppose to get to the ship in that?"  
  
"Well, my friend, the ship docked. So I figured diving toward it, might not yield the results you want." By now the two agents were dressed as Eskimos and ready to head towards the ship. They loaded all of Sydney's stuff on to the sled, and managed to find room for themselves on it as well.  
  
"Now don't get too comfortable on that sled you two," Weiss said, "I have a deposit on it. So please, try to avoid your extracurricular activities while you're on it."  
  
"I'll try," Vaughn replied, "but no promises. Where are you going now?"  
  
"Well, I did have a date tonight, but for some reason I can't go back to L.A. So Kendall is sending me to, get this, New Mexico."  
  
"Why?" Sydney asked.  
  
"Uh, his exact words were, 'It's the 47th state.' That man has lost one too many marbles. I'll see you two later."  
  
With that the sled head towards the coast and away from the melted igloo. It took them 30 minutes by moose sled to reach the boat. The plan was now for Sydney to climb a ladder and trade the fish for the computer chip. Vaughn was back to waiting. He wondered why the crew of the ship wanted to trade a computer chip for fish. But he figured that was need to know intel, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.  
  
Sydney returned with the chip and for some reason took the ladder as well. Vaughn didn't ask, just steered the moose toward their getaway camper.


	7. They Meet Again

In Alaska not too far away…  
Jack and Irina had safely arrived in Alaska by Laundromatmobile although it had not been an entirely problem-free trip. It had been a difficult ride, to say the least, since their faces were inches apart for the duration of the flight. It had been hard for them to avoid pressing their bodies even closer as there had been a lot of turbulence in the air caused by an unexpected large gaggle of geese. On occasion you could even say that they were enjoying themselves entirely too much and behaving like two sporks in a pod.   
  
Once they arrived they decided that buying a luxury RV camper would be a good way to lay low for a while and avoid Irina being captured by the CIA. Jack knew he could get into big trouble for what he was doing but it didn't matter to him any more. He had Irina and that was all that mattered although if you had asked him I doubt he would have directly admitted it, as of yet anyway.  
  
While exploring their options for the RV, Irina happened to glance over her shoulder and see Sydney and Vaughn climbing into their own RV. She immediately turned to Jack and said, "Darling, I need you to do something for me." He looked at her curiously as she continued.   
  
"I need you to slowly turn around and not overreact when you realize what you are looking at."  
  
Jack, now with curiosity threatening to kill the cat, turned just in the nick of time to see Vaughn leaning very close to Sydney as if whispering sweet nothing's in her ear. Jack nearly froze from shock but managed to turn back around to Irina.  
  
"What are they doing here?" He asked her in a hasty whisper. "How did they know we would be here looking at RV's?"  
  
"Jack, your guess is as good as mine, dear. Perhaps we should go talk to them and see what is going on. You know they must be here for a reason, most likely having nothing to do with me escaping." Jack seriously doubted Irina's logic on this but had quickly learned that she was right most of the time. They walked as nonchalantly as possible over to the RV that Syd and Vaughn were entering.  
  
"Ahem." Jack coughed. "Sydney Anne Bristow, what are you doing here and why are you doing it with him?" A shocked and stunned Sydney and Vaughn both turned to see Jack and Irina standing before them.  
  
"Uh. Dad… Mom… We, uh, we… Wait a second, what are YOU doing here? Kendall said that you flew away on a washing machine. He called you a fairy. And mom, I thought you escaped?" Sydney raised her eyebrow at Jack and Irina while Vaughn stood beside her, nodding.   
  
"Don't change the subject, young lady… Kendall did what? Why that little shiny bowling ball bald headed… Agent Vaughn, get your hands off my daughter!" Jack glowered at Vaughn. Vaughn ducked behind Sydney but didn't remove his hands from Sydney's waist.   
  
Irina put a hand on Jack's arm and said, "Calm down, dear. Sydney, I have escaped, obviously. I am simply being escaped with your father. Now, would you kindly explain to us what is going on here?"

Vaughn popped out again from behind Sydney and said, "Well, after you escaped, we found out what happened with the coffee maker!"  
  
Jack frowned, "Uh, yes, what does the coffee machine have to do with why you are here?"  
  
"It's simple, really: we found out that Sloane unplugged it."  
  
"So? How did you know Irina was here?"  
  
"So? Don't you get it? Sloane unplugged the coffee maker!"  
  
"So? Wait, why wasn't Sloane arrested?"  
  
"For unplugging the coffee maker? It's not a felony, it's just rude." Vaughn had a very confused look on his face.  
  
"No, no, Agent Vaughn. Sloane is a wanted criminal. If he had been inside the Joint Task Force, wouldn't somebody have arrested him? Is the whole world incompetent?" Jack waved his arms around to make his point.  
  
Irina and Sydney watched in amusement as Vaughn tried explaining further, "Oh. Yeah. I mean, he didn't unplug it from the INSIDE, he unplugged it from the outside."  
  
"How did he do that?"  
  
"He hacked into the servers and messed up the wiring. That caused the coffee maker to become unplugged."  
  
"How did he do that?"  
  
"I don't know, stop asking. I only know what I know. But, I mean, can you imagine what would happen if Sloane hacked into the White House and unplugged the TV?"  
  
"Why would he do that?"  
  
"Because!" Vaughn stomped his foot. "Chaos would ensue!!! I mean, meese could take over! Our nation would… you know what? Stop asking me. I don't know." Sydney patted him on the arm and gave him a comforting smile.  
  
"Fine, then." Jack huffed. "Why are you here?" Vaughn gave Jack a look, to which Jack raised his eyebrow. Vaughn sighed heavily.  
  
"We came here in search of Irina after Kendall told us that she'd escaped." Irina frowned.  
  
"What made you look here?"  
  
"It just made sense," Sydney said dramatically, once again looking deep into Vaughn's eyes. Vaughn began to lean closer, and they each shut their eyes… until Jack stepped between them. Vaughn's eyes snapped open, and he jumped away. Jack looked about ready to kill him with just a handful of snow and a blue pixie stick, until Irina stepped forward.  
  
"We need to do something about this," she stated. Jack nodded vigorously.  
  
"Yes, we do! So here's the plan: Agent Vaughn, if you so much as look at my daughter one more time during this mission, I will rip your heart out, impale you upon the antlers of some meese, and…" Sydney interrupted.  
  
"Wait- do meese- I mean, moose- have antlers?" Vaughn stared at her.  
  
"Syd, that's completely irrelevant!"  
  
"That is not what I was talking about Jack Bristow, and you know it!" Irina stated. Jack gave her a confused, wounded look.  
  
"I meant, we need to do something about Sloane." Everyone fell silent for a moment.  
  
"You mean, like find him and Sark and take them into custody and put a stop to their evil plottings?" Sydney asked. Irina nodded.

"Yes, in a nutshell."

"Ok. So, let's do that. We can start… hmm… here!" Sydney suggested.  
  
"Here? Who would come here?" Vaughn asked. Irina, Jack, and Sydney all stared at him.  
  
"Oh… right. We would. Ok, so here it is." They all looked around.  
  
"I don't see them," Vaughn noted a moment later. Jack glared at him.   
  
"Let's go. We can look for them elsewhere." They all started walking away from the RV's.  
  
"Hey! You rented those, you have to pay!" A little man came chasing after them.  
  
"But we're not using them," Sydney pointed out.  
  
"So? They're rented to you. You have to pay for them."   
Irina frowned and reached for her gun. Sydney stopped her quickly.  
  
"Mom! You can't do that!" Irina pouted.  
  
"Fine." She slowly put the gun away and leaned down. A moment later, she came up with a handful of snow, which she launched at the owner of the RV's. It hit him square in the face, knocking him out cold. Irina grinned triumphantly and led the way out.


	8. Chinese Finger Traps?

"Why are we walking?" Vaughn asked five minutes later.

"Truth takes time," Irina said cryptically. 

"What?" Vaughn questioned.

"Just smile and nod," Sydney advised. Vaughn nodded, but didn't smile. Suddenly, Irina stopped.

"They are near," she said softly.

"How do you know?" Sydney asked.

"Because I'm your mother." Even Jack looked confused at that. Suddenly, from a building just ahead of them, Sloane and Sark walked out. Irina looked calmly triumphant.

"Get them!" Vaughn urged quietly. In unison, all four grabbed handfuls of snow. Before Sloane and Sark even saw their attackers, the snow was being hurled through the air; Sloane and Sark were left sprawled on the ground. Jack ran over, searching his pockets for handcuffs. He came up blank, and looked desperately to Sydney and Vaughn. Sydney searched her pockets as well, and came up with nothing but a pair of sporks. Vaughn began searching his jacket.

"Ah ha!" He crowed proudly, pulling his hand out. He extended his arm to reveal a pair of Chinese finger traps. Jack raised an eyebrow. 

  
"You expect those to hold Sloane and Sark?" Irina asked.

"If they can unplug the CIA coffeemaker without being anywhere near it, I think they can get out of those," Jack agreed. Vaughn frowned.

"Do we have anything better?" Sydney threw out in Vaughn's defense. He smiled at her gratefully.

"Fine… put them on," Jack sighed. Vaughn walked over, pulled Sark and Sloane's arms behind their backs, and put the finger traps on.

"See you get out of _that_," he mumbled. Sark and Sloane both stared at him, dumbfounded.  
  
"Do you really expect this to keep us here?" Vaughn nodded in earnest.  
  
"Of course. You can't escape those, especially when they're behind your backs!" Vaughn walked back to join Jack, Irina, and Syd. Sloane stared after him  
  
"Curses! Foiled again!" Sark quickly turned and leveled his gaze on Sloane.  
  
"Please, Mr. Sloane, tell me you didn't just say that." Sloane glared at him for a moment.  
  
"We need to get out of here Sark."  
  
"You don't say."  
  
"Yes, yes I do say. Now get to work!" Sloane hissed.  
  
"See, told you it would be ok," Vaughn said. Sydney smiled at him.  
  
"I'm glad you're with us," she said sincerely.  
  
"So am I, Syd…" Under normal circumstances, Jack would likely have beheaded Vaughn at this point. However, Jack was too busy watching Irina attempt to get the snowflakes off of her face, clothes, and out of her hair. She made a truly entrancing image, and Jack found himself getting lost in her…  
  
All of a sudden, they heard a noise and turned around to see what all the commotion was. Just as they turned- being a little slower than usual because of the cold Alaskan air- they saw Sloane and Sark break out of their Chinese finger trap restraints and run like the wind. Knowing it was pointless to run after them, Sydney, Vaughn, Jack and Irina turned and looked at one another.  
  
"This is all your fault Vaughn!" Jack yelled at the younger agent.   
  
"If you hadn't been so busy flirting with my daughter we might have actually been able to keep them in custody and prevent them from destroying the world as we know it!" Vaughn looked imploringly at Jack.   
  
"Sir, I don't think this was entirely my fault, but as a sworn agent of the CIA and as a faithful Boy Scout, I promise to help bring them back into custody. Besides if you also hadn't been making moon eyes at your, um… ahem, wife, and making plans to whisk her off to a private igloo somewhere then maybe we would have been able to keep them here." After this little speech, Syd turned to Vaughn with a half-smile that she hoped only he could see.  
  
"Daddy, Mom, I too vow to bring Mr. Sark and Sloane into custody and even though I wasn't allowed into the Boy Scouts just because I was a girl, I swear to make sure we bring them back! And if that means helping Agent Vaughn and going to New Mexico and Utah because they are both the 47th state of the US and the 47th state alphabetically, respectively, and stopping by the wonderful spa in New Mexico, then I'm in!" She looked triumphantly at her parents. She pleaded a little with her eyes to her mother in hopes that she would help calm her father and let her go with Vaughn to New Mexico. Irina, understanding the look in her daughter's eyes, looked at Jack and put her hand surreptitiously on his very lovely ass.   
  
"Jack, dear, why don't we let the children go to New Mexico and Utah and we stay here and make sure that Sloane and Sark aren't still in the area. We can all make an official vow to bring Sloane and Sark to justice. And then darling," she whispered into his ear so only he could hear her, "we can rent that igloo you were telling me about." She knew she had him hooked and that for the moment he would forget about Syd and Vaughn.  
  
"Ok," Jack relented. "Everyone put their hands in the middle and swear on the sporkifying laundromat and the family's treasured sleeping bag I gave you, Sydney, that you all promise to bring Sloane and Sark into custody if it is the last thing you do."  
  
All at once they said, "We swear on the sleeping bags and sporks in this world to bring them to justice!" 

One more chapter and this thing is over!


	9. Meese? Moose? Mooses?

"I suppose this is where we go our separate ways," Sydney said, somewhat sadly. She was happy to spend time with her parents and Vaughn… even if it was in freezing cold Alaska.  
  
"But how? I mean, I don't really want to walk…" Vaughn said slowly. They all looked around again; it was Irina who discovered their method of transportation.  
  
"Over there," she said quietly, pointing towards a stand of palm trees… in Alaska… in the snow… underneath which stood 4 moose, or meese, or mooses. Jack looked bemused, while Vaughn nodded his approval. Sydney sighed in resignation.   
  
"Ok, let's get going then…" All four walked over to the trees, and each one managed to climb upon the back of a moose with relatively little difficulty, because Sydney, Jack, and Irina were the best spies in the world, and they could do anything. Vaughn was just supremely hot, and so a single moose was no problem for him.  
  
"Take care," Irina called as she and Jack began their ride.   
  
"Good meese," Jack commented.  
  
"Moose, Jack. It's moose."  
  
"But there are two of them."  
  
"It's still moose!" Still debating moose vs. meese, they rode off into the sunset…  
  
Sydney and Vaughn watched them until they were out of sight. Vaughn shook his head.  
  
"I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't heard it… Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko, arguing about mooses…" Sydney glanced at him.  
  
"Vaughn, my mom's right. It's moose."  
  
"What? Syd, it's mooses."  
  
"No, Vaughn, it's moose."  
  
"Oh, come on, Syd! I'd be more apt to agree with your dad and say meese than to think it's moose…" Despite going in the opposite direction of Jack and Irina, Sydney and Vaughn also managed to ride off into the sunset…

The Spoiler Support Group thanks everyone for reading and reviewing! We hope you had as much fun reading as we did writing… though, recalling how amused we were, I'm not sure that's possible… at any rate, we have another Round Robin on the way, so watch out for that!


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